I was forced to hold in my emotions. If you cry then you were a cry baby. If you showed cmto much care then you were a suck up. Any form of anger being shown was labelled 'out of control'. Now I'm 31 and I have very little control of my anger and it just happens. I will think a thought and a few hours later I get the same thought. You process it and move on every time it happens. It's draining. I over think like I breathe, it can't be stopped. I need a way to cope with the floods of information. There is no tap to slow this down. I allow stupid little things to take hold of me and I feel like I didn't even have a say. My world is different to the average person and I direct instructions or nothing at all. I will ask my questions and set my fences as I see it should be. I need structure. When I say need, I mean a NEED FOR STRUCTURE. Without structure I am impulsive and destructive. And the worst part is I don't have the memory bank to remember these events. I hear from other people that I've done it before, but I don't remember 99% of them. Like what did I do last week? I might remember if I think real real hard, but it's so tiring to remember all this..somewhat useless information. I feel like I'm talking to myself so it's not the same as talking to random people. Just me and myself, listening to music, Brother Ali right now, and processing my information. I do know that the steps I take to become angry are small. I brush them off and I'm a bottled up bomb destroying spirits over pety crap. Can't really remember what drew me to that point because I forget. So frustrating. My eyes frustrate me. My wicked heart frustrates me. My bunion frustrates me! A billion little steps and you're right in the fire. Humanity frustrates me! Give me a really good reason why I shouldn't be sad for humanity?! Woe to the proud. I wish I could understand more, but my character was taught to me and then I had to switch to my own tracks. My tone was taught to me. This is anger. This is sadness. This is glad. I did not understand the feelings I wasn't allowed to express. I keep to myself like a tree in the desert. Communication is very hard. I have severe anxiety and that alone makes communication nearly impossible without crying. I can talk in a video because it's like typing here, there is no one around. I NEED Yahuah's Torah. It IS my STRUCTURE! I NEED more taught ones in my life or my roots are gonna dry up in this rocky place. To shy to ask for help in person.