The Effects of Abuse
And not only that, but we also boast in suffering—knowing that suffering produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Ruach ha-Kodesh who was given to us.
- Romans 5:3-5 TLV
These are some side- effects of long-term emotional abuse which have been experienced by us or other women we know.
Can you think of any more examples? E-mail us your ideas and we'll include them on the list.
STRESS
DEPRESSION
SLEEP DISTURBANCES
ANGER
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
ANXIETY
POOR RELATIONSHIP CHOICES
UNJUSTIFIED FEELINGS OF GUILT
INABILITY TO TRUST
HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE
MIGRAINES & HEADACHES
EATING DISORDERS
ALCOHOLISM
INABILITY TO CONCENTRATE
JOB PROBLEMS
LOW IMMUNITY
FREQUENT OR SERIOUS ILLNESSES
ABUSING OTHERS
INAPPROPRIATE RAGE
AVOIDANCE OF CONFLICT
FEAR OF REJECTION
EXHAUSTION
BREATHING DIFFICULTIES OR ASTHMA
ULCERS
NIGHTMARES
SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
SKIN CONDITIONS
CANCER
RECURRENT STIFF NECK
BACK PROBLEMS
AUTOIMMUNE DISORDERS
THYROID DISEASE
LACK OF CONFIDENCE
RESENTMENT
ACCIDENT-PRONE
FOOD CRAVINGS
ALLERGIES OR HIVES
SUBSTANCE ABUSE & ADDICTIONS
HEART DISEASE
EASILY OVERWHELMED
THINNING HAIR
MENSTRUAL OR FERTILITY PROBLEMS
HEART ATTACK
DIGESTIVE UPSETS
FEARS & PHOBIAS
INSOMNIA
SHOULDER PAIN
INABILITY TO SAY NO OR GET OWN NEEDS MET
MASSIVE FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY
EXHAUSTION
HOSTILITY
OCD AND OTHER COMPULSIONS
PTSD SYMPTOMS NOT PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED: HYPERVIGILANCE, FLASHBACKS, EXAGGERATED STARTLE RESPONSE, ETC.
PREMATURE DEATH!
ACCEPTANCE OF ABUSE, BELIEVING YOU DON'T DESERVE BETTER
WHY? TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AN ABUSER'S MOTIVATION
WHY?- TRYING TO UNDERSTAND AN ABUSER’S MOTIVATION
By Sister Renee
Have you ever had a person who is being victimized say to you, "But I don’t understand- Why does she act that way?, or "Why does he do these things?" It’s almost as if, by understanding "why", they could make the abuse somehow more bearable, even if they can’t get it to stop. I realize there are reasons people behave the way they do, I just take issue with the notion that the victim should have the burden of trying to figure out or "understand" these reasons. Therapy is available to everyone. If an abuser refuses to avail himself of it, there is no reason that his issues have to be inflicted on other people. His issues, are just that- his issues, not yours! It is not the victim’s job to "analyze" the abuser.
I don’t have the expertise or inclination to figure out the motives of an abuser. The burden for explaining abusive behavior should not be on the shoulders of the victim. Why abusers, control-freaks, and unloving people act the way they do should be left to professionals, if the abuser chooses to get therapy. Unfortunately, most abusers insist nothing is wrong with them-they’ll claim you are the one with the problem! But remember, the choice to get help is theirs- it is not your job to fix them!
One day I watched a TV show about bullies. The psychologist/expert who was being interviewed mentioned that it is a fallacy that bullies have low self-esteem. He said studies have shown that bullies are arrogant people who choose victims they think they can dominate. He said they bully because they can get away with it. You are probably not doing anything to antagonize your abuser- it is the submissive nature of victims that attracts abuse from sociopathic bullies.
My husband Frank gave me the perfect answer to why it seems you can’t be nice to some people without having them walk all over you. He said, "Because some people mistake kindness and niceness for weakness, and they prey on weak people." Then they’re surprised and angry when you stand up for yourself. They don’t realize you could be kind and nice, and be a strong person at the same time. In their minds, courage and strength are not associated with strength-of-character- they are synonymous with dominance and control.. It’s the kind of rigid thinking that goes into cliché character development in a bad movie.
A while back, I had a get-together with friends, one of whom is a psychologist. We were talking about controlling relatives, and one woman, regarding her manipulative father, asked in frustration, "Why does he do this?" Our psychologist friend said, "If you really want to know, I can give you the answer in three words." Of course she, and the rest of us, all really did want to know. He then looked at us and said, very clearly, "BECAUSE IT WORKS !" We were astounded. All of us, at one time or another, had wasted needless hours trying to analyze why we had been treated the way we were by people we loved, and the answer was so obvious all along. It was so simple, so profound, and so true!
Someone who is overly concerned with "understanding" an abuser, rather than just not tolerating offensive behavior, no matter what the cause, is an enabler. The victim herself can be, and usually is, an enabler. Once an enabler has decided on the abuser’s motivation, she then uses the motivation she has decided on as an excuse to rationalize or justify the abuser’s behavior. She is very accommodating in offering the abuser a convenient and "legitimate" reason to continue victimizing others. He now has a perfect defense, whatever that may be. It is not constructive to "understand" the reasons why, if those reasons are then going to be used as an excuse to accept evil behavior and to allow it to continue.
While some are capable of going it alone, the benefits of competent professional counseling cannot be overstated. The first choice for counseling for a Christian is his or her pastor. I usually don’t emphasize pastoral counseling for abusers simply because, in my own experience, I don’t find many abusers have a pastor, or are church-going folks to begin with. Of course, there are exceptions, and Godly counseling, which will minister to the spirit of the person, is always the best choice. However, there are plenty of alternatives for non-religious abusers who truly wish to change their ways and feel unable to do it on their own.
I believe that counseling is more important for victims and enablers than for the abuser. Their main focus should be understanding why they tolerate abuse, which is ultimately more important than understanding why the abuser abuses. The victim’s mental and emotional welfare is the most important consideration, and her healing should be the top priority. Each person must make a choice to take that first step in being healed. Unfortunately, many abusers will never choose to change. But with God’s help, a victim can make positive changes.
A man’s enemies are the men of his own house. Therefore I will look unto the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation: My God will hear me…….Micah 7: 6-7 KJV
And a man’s foes shall be they of his own household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. And he that taketh not his cross, and followeth after me, is not worthy of me……Matthew 10: 36-38 KJV
Do not fret because of evil men or be envious of the wicked, for the evil man has no future hope, and the lamp of the wicked will be snuffed out…..Proverbs 24: 19-20NIV
The wicked man craves evil; his neighbor gets no mercy from him…..Proverbs 21: 10NIV
The way of the guilty is devious, but the conduct of the innocent is upright….Proverbs 21:8 NIV
He who loves a quarrel loves sin…. Proverbs 17: 19 NIV
The violence of the wicked will drag them away, for they refuse to do what is right….. Proverbs 21: 7NIV
As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife… Proverbs 26: 21 NIV
Stone is heavy and sand a burden, but provocation by a fool is heavier than both….. Proverbs 27:3 NIV
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths....Proverbs 3:5-6 KJV
GRACE
WHAT ARE SOME ASPECTS OF YHVH’s GRACE?
ELOHIM’s GRACE IS OUR ONLY HOPE! But in Your great Compassion, You did not make an end of them, nor forsake them, for You are an El of Favour and Compassion -- Nehemiah 9:31. Yisrael was devastated by times of intense rebellion and sin. Yet when the people repented and returned to Elohim, He delivered them. YHVH puts no limit on the number of times we can come to Him to obtain mercy, but we must come in order to obtain it, recognizing our need and asking Him for help. This miracle of Grace should inspire us to say, -- What a Gracious and Merciful Elohim You are! -- If there is a recurring problem or difficulty in your life, continue to pray ask Elohim for help and be willing and ready to make changes in your attitude and behavior that will correct that situation.
YHVH’s GRACE MAKES OUR SALVATION POSSIBLE.
In Whom we have redemtion through His Blood, the forgiveness of trespasses according to the riches of His Favour, which He has lavished on us in all wisdom and insight -- Ephesians 1:7-8. Grace is Elohim’s voluntary and loving favour given to those He saves. We can’t earn salvation, nor do we deserve it. No religious, intellectual or moral effort can gain it, because it comes only from Elohim’s Mercy and Love. Without Elohim’s Grace, no person can be saved. To receive it, we must acknowledge that we cannot save our self, that only Elohim can save us and that our only way to receive this Loving Favour is by faith in Moshiach.
YHVH's GRACE SHOULD LEAD US TO SERVE OTHERS WITH LOVE.
We become believers through Elohim’s unmerited Grace, not as the result of any effort, ability, intelligent choice or act of service on our part. However, out of gratitude for this Free Gift, we will seek to help and serve others with kindness, charity and goodness and not merely to please ourself. While no action or work we do can help us obtain salvation, Elohim’s intention is that our salvation will result in Works of Service. We are saved, not merely for our own benefit, but to serve Him and build up the church (Ephesians 4:12).
YHVH’s GRACE LEAVES NO ROOM FOR SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS.
Or do you dispise the riches of His Kindness and Tolerance and Patience, not knowing that the Kindness of Elohim leads you to repentance? -- Romans 2:4. When Paul’s letter was read in the Roman church, no doubt many heads nodded as he condemned idol worshipers, homosexual practices and violent people. But what surprise his listeners must have felt when he turned on them and said, -- You are just as bad! -- Paul was emphatically stressing that nobody is good enough to save himself or herself. If we want to avoid punishment and live eternally with Moshiach, all of us, whether we have been murderers and molesters or whether we have been honest, hardworking, solid citizens, must depend totally on Elohim’s grace. Paul is not discussing whether some sins are worse than others. Any sin is enough to cause us to depend on Yeshua Moshiach for salvation and eternal life. We have all sinned repeatedly and there is no way apart from Moshiach to be saved from sin’s consequences.
We’re getting ready to add fresh layers and future meat to the homestead. We like to maximize the usefulness of everything around here, and our birds are no different. Eventually, our breeding stock will provide eggs and meat by producing offspring. We eat the boys and refresh the layers every year with the girls. We’re adding DUCKS: Swedish, Cayuga & Welch Harlequin; and CHICKENS: Blue & Splash Ameracauna, Lavender Orpington, and Salmon Faverolle.
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